My Fortress of Solitude

Maraming naglalaro sa isip ko. Maraming gumugulo sa isipan ko. Saan? Ano? Paano? Bakit? naging ganito ang lahat. Gayung wala naman ako ginawang masama. Wala rin ako ideya kung saan ako nagkamali. Pilit ko mang isa isahin ang mga pangyayari, Pilit ko man tahiin ang mga pira pirasong sandali na tayoy magkasama, di ko pa rin lubusang maintindihan ang lahat. Nahihirapan na ang isip at kalooban ko. Litong lito na ako. May mali ba talaga sa akin? o talagang praning lang ako.

Sana panaginip lamang ang lahat. Sana isa lamang ito bangungot na bukas pag gising ko ay ok na ang lahat, Kabaligtaran ito ng isang tagpo na kung saan sobrang saya ko, na ayoko na matapos ang mga sandaling iyon, Sana kung panaginip man iyon ay ayoko na magising, Yun pala sa kabila ng mga sayang iyon ay may kapalit pala lungkot. Lungkot na nagpapahirap sa kalooban ko. Sa bawat sandali kaw lang ang naiisip ko. Para na ako baliw. Nagsusumamo ako sayo, sanay kausapin mo na ako, pag usapan natin kung ano man ang kinakagalit mo sakin. Wala namang di nadadaan sa maayos na usapan. Haysssss, miss na miss na kita :( Mahal kita at alam mo yan :(

I miss you so much. I don't know what happened, why suddenly you gone cold. Are you mad at me again? What did I do? The idea of being with you always made me happy ... until I realized you were perfect for me...now it just makes me scared. You mean so much to me, that I'm scared to close my eyes and open them and see that you're not there. And I'm scared to leave them open to see you leaving me. I don't know why I'm so afraid to lose you when you aren't even mine. I'm afraid because you're the single-most, important being to ever grace my existence. I love you so much.. :(

One of the worst feelings in the world is loneliness. Sitting in the dark by yourself in the wee hours of the night gently crying. Nobody knows what's going on with you. How could anybody realize what's happening? Everybody you know is resting peacefully in their bed awaiting the new day tomorrow. But for you, there's no difference in the days. They pass monotonously. And before you know it, it's all gone.


It’s the loneliest feeling in the world - to find yourself standing up when everyone else is sitting down. To have everybody look at you and say what’s the matter with him?? I know what it feels like. Walking down an empty street, listening to the sound of your own footsteps. Shutters closed, blinds drawn, doors locked against you. And you aren’t sure whether you’re walking toward something, or if you’re just walking away

It’s like I realized that way down inside, I’ve always been lonely for something. But I don’t know what for. It’s like everybody in the world wants something only they never really know exactly what it is - they just keep finding out what it’s not. You know how, when you turn off the TV or you come out of some concert, and everything just feels…empty? Like you thought that would be what you wanted, and then it wasn’t

My biggest fear is that I will become too comfortable with the idea of being lonely for the rest of my life.

When I’m not there… do you think of me? When you're sad and something's bothering you… do you wish I was there to help comfort you? When you've had a long hard day... do you smile knowing that soon you'll be seeing me, and everything will seem better, even if it's just for a moment? When you lay down at night... do you look back and cherish the new memories you've made with me? And when you get up in the morning, does everything inside of you smile, knowing that this will be another day that we'll be together? Because that's how I think of you..

miss you :(

The dictionary defines grief as keen mental suffering or distress over affliction or loss; sharp sorrow; painful regret. But in life, strict definitions rarely apply. In life, grief can look like a lot of things that bear little resemblance to sharp sorrow.

There are five stages of grief. They look different on all of us, but there are always five.
1. Denial.
2. Anger.
3. Bargaining.
4. Depression.
5. Acceptance.

According to Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, when we're dying or have suffered a catastrophic loss, we all move through five distinct stages of grief. We go into denial because the loss is so unthinkable we can’t imagine it’s true. We become angry with everyone, angry with survivors, angry with ourselves. Then we bargain. We beg. We plead. We offer everything we have, we offer our souls in exchange for just one more day. When the bargaining has failed and the anger is too hard to maintain, we fall into depression, despair, until finally we have to accept that we’ve done everything we can. We let go. We let go and move into acceptance.

Grief may be a thing we all have in common, but it looks different on everyone. It isn’t just death we have to grieve. It’s life. It’s loss. It’s change. And when we wonder why it has to suck so much sometimes, has to hurt so bad. The thing we gotta try to remember is that it can turn on a dime. That’s how you stay alive. When it hurts so much you can’t breathe, that’s how you survive. By remembering that one day, somehow, impossibly, you won’t feel this way. It won’t hurt this much. Grief comes in its own time for everyone, in its own way. The really crappy thing, the very worst part of grief is that you can’t control it. The best we can do is try to let ourselves feel it when it comes. And let it go when we can. The very worst part is that the minute you think you’re past it, it starts all over again. And always, every time, it takes your breath away.

Please pray for the soul of my Ninang/Tita Fe. She past away last Sunday. I know wherever she is right now, she is happy and now with the Lord above. I can't say goodbye to a person who became a big impact to our family, not just to our family but for the Andal-Cantre clan as a whole. Thank you for all you did for us. Farewell Tita Fe. We will miss you. 

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted” (Matthew 5:4)